Without a doubt

I've arrived.

2009-09-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on a bed, on my laptop, typing completely naked.
Now most of you wouldn't want to know that, but it's significant; I'm completely free. My own apartment, my own life,
and I have no idea what my job or the next year here will bring me.

Let's take it back 24 hours.

Friends came over and spent the entire night with me up until 7:00 AM.
We played games, went out to eat, talked, smoked a bowl, and it was memorable; I'm lucky to have the friends I have.
After that though, I had to rush into finishing packing. Got it all down.
Parents took me to the airport and that was too sad.
My mother didn't want to make me feel bad and show it, but she was miserable.
I could see her quickly hide her tears and frown..and my poor father. He tried his best to seem cheerful,
but alas, he looked too sad. My poor old parents.
That was one of the saddest goodbyes. As well as the one I had with my brother before I left the house.

Onto my future though.
Plane ride was absolute and utter shit.
15 and a half hours long, non stop.
I stayed up the whole night and I could only sleep on the occasional 30 minute intervals.
Reason? Some fucking Vietnamese chick wearing a Flu mask who had to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes
for the most part. She was on the plane on a transfer to Vietnam after Korea. Thanks Miss Saigon, you made sure I got off the plane exhausted.

After the flight though, I was all smiles. I couldn't believe I had finally arrived and I had a confident air about me. Not only that, but I knew it was
real when I scarcely heard English. After customs, I went to the main entrance of the airport and saw a bunch of people with signs. All I
had to do was find my name.

Nobody was holding a sign with my name.
Fack.

Had to wait an extra 20 minutes until some old Korean taxi driver with a sign came rushing, asking around.
I noticed it said "KENETH LEVEN" which I assumed was me. My middle and last name spelled incorrectly.
The dude was pretty cool though. He drove me all the way to the school from Incheon to Yongin.
There was a lot of traffic so it was a good hour drive.
Talked about random shit, the dude bought me a drink, offered a cigarette, which I politely rejected,
and he was very impressed with my Korean(Mind you, he did not speak a world of English).

Finally got to Yongin though, and boy was I surprised. It's a huge city. And close to Seoul.
Taxi dude helped me up to the school with my bags and i met the two people who owned the school.
Mr and Mrs. Kim is what they want me to call them, hahaha.
They were very polite about everything and also introduced me to two other English teachers.
A black guy from Ohio and a white dude from Canada. They were pretty friendly, and young like me,
so it was very comfortable. Before I knew it, we were already cracking jokes, which eased uncomfort.
After all introductions, I was taken to my apartment building.
My apartment actually surprised me. Large Queen size, kitchen table, stove, dishes area, Refrigerator, outside little deck,
air conditioning, high speed internet, large bathroom, and washing machine. I couldn't ask for better.
After I threw my stuff in, I threw on a new shirt and we went out to eat Korean BBQ. Awesome.
Got a little bit tipsy with the two english teachers and Mr. Kim, and that was my night.
Came home and crashed.

I've fixed up the place a bit and put all my stuff away, and am getting ready to see what will happen with my dad.
My job starts tomorrow, so I'm going to go out and do some errands; there is a good few things I want to buy.
I also want to walk to the school, because I can't exactly remember where it is, and I think I should get that out of the way now,
and reduce the chance of being late tomorrow.

Dave out.

Has hell frozen over?

2009-08-24T06:22:00.000-07:00

If I don't go to Korea, there is a girl out here that I could actually see myself liking a lot.
Despite whether mutuality is concerned, at least I know my type.
At least I know my type. That's the most important part. I know.
And of course I use the term "If I don' got" loosely, because I'm not unrealistic and wouldn't
attempt something if I would potentially leave.

I don't feel happy nor sad, I just feel some sort of warmth that I'm not an unbreakable shell.
My shell has been partially cracked.

Woman & Sports

2009-06-10T00:35:00.001-07:00

I want to emphasize on woman's opinion's about sports.
Actually, there isn't much to emphasize...they don't know jack shit.
I've noticed in any occasion, may it be a party or a bunch of people chilling in one collected area, when a girl is surrounded by a group of guys, they have to give their complete and utter shit opinion on a team or player or fake fandom. I'm not saying this is ALL females, but it's definitely 95% of them. And because generally, most woman are tools or have an inferiority complex and want to be a part of the great embassy of dicks, even though they scientifically can't, they overhear either their guy friends,their fathers, their older brothers, their baby's daddy's opinion, and that opinion STICKS. If I'm even giving a lot of credit, they might even watch it on sports center while some male is also watching.

It ALL depends on the time period too.

March Madness : "Oh my GOD, I HOPE UNC WINS. WOOO" *vag clap*

NFL : "GO Patriots and Tom brady is SOOO hot" *vag rub*

NBA : "GO KOBY/LEBRON. LAKERS TAKE IT ALL THE WAY, BEAT THE MAGIC. (What city is the Magic located?)" *Cunt punt* Stupid bitch.

College football : "I wish I was a Sorority bitch that got pounded every Saturday from my frat bro friends...SO! Go LSU/UGA/Alabama/Ole Miss, etc etc" *group vag slam*

Soccer : "Bla bla bla Manchester United bla bla bla Cristiano Ronaldo" *Cunt punt* For the sake of the pun.

Baseball/Hockey/Golf/Tennis : Who fucking cares

I know it's not a big deal, but some girls really try to argue that shit with me, and that's not acceptable. Go watch what you watch and give your opinions where you actually know it belongs. Not by overhearing people and repeating it.

You have...

2009-05-24T01:55:00.001-07:00

You have your friends who are fucking stupid.
And your friends who are genuine people.

You have the friends who call you too much,
and the friends who completely under appreciate you.

You have your friends who mooch to much,
and the friends who offer everything with a smile on their face.

You have your friends who you don't get along with
and your friends you never fight with

The friends you can just talk to and the time flies by,
and the friends who you have to make plans with, or you're just a missed connection.

I guess even having a lot of fucking stupid, under appreciating, mooching, hard to get along with & talk to friends
are better than not having friends at all.

..Maybe not.

What is it?

2009-05-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

What is that urge?
What is that feeling of change where i declare I won't eat poorly anymore, won't eat disgusting, factory manufactured, preservative filled junk food anymore? That feeling of self triumph, where I want to make a change?
What is that counter feeling of being presented these lovely fat-ass foods and suddenly not even caring anymore for my previous self-commitment, and just indulging myself and my face with pimples and excess body fat? And not having a single regret afterwords?

WHAT IS IT?

Declaring to myself that I won't be a conceited, self centered, douchebag and the next following day put others down?
No more porn? Get aroused and an hour later I'm beating it off to Brazilians?

No more spending money?! God dammit, this one is important, yet I went to Taco Bell today destroying two of my many-times-commited to vows.
No spending. No Fast food.

Staring problem. No more staring at people at the gym. Find myself doing it all of the time. It's OCD. I feel like everybody else is looking at me, so I have to look at everybody else. Gets me a good few stink eyes too.

No more games? Only work on my music? Spend a whole day applying for jobs? Sleeping that whole day?

FUCK ME.

New people.

2009-05-09T02:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel as though meeting new people and starting new relationships with new friends is kind of a hassle.
Sometimes I'm purposely cold to newer faces, or I don't even bother to introduce myself for the sake of being tired of describing myself for the
millionth time. Every time you meet somebody, you have to re-invent the wheel of your personality; talk about specific music that they might like, specific interests, movies, personal beliefs, political views...it almost feels somewhat monotonous.

You have to mold your persona a little bit too; if somebody is more anal, you can't joke about certain things.

If somebody is a specific religion, you can't say something like.."Jews are infidels".
I mean, they are, but you just can't say it.
Around blacks, you can't talk about rock, which isn't a problem for me, because I love hip hop, but it limits me.
Around older adults, I can't relate anything too modern, because they might not understand it. The older generations are definitely a lot more annoying to accustom myself to.
Around certain people, I can't talk about my nerdy side, like video games and online humor.
Around fucking Korean people. Especially Korean Americans, who happen to annoy the fuck out of me. When they hear me speak any fucking 한국말[Korean] to people I already know, I have to explain to them why I'm so good at it, how long I lived in Korea, and go through the stupid monotonous process of them going, "WOW, you're SO GOOD. 한국말 해져!"

That's why..I prefer the people I've already grown accustomed to. People I've developed pre-disposed ways of acting for.
That or..people that already have a lot in common with me, so it's a little bit fun to bring something up, and have them go, "OH YEAH, I love -that- too."

I'm just so comfortable with the way I am, and the people I know, that it's become annoying to develop new relationships.
I met a dude at Starbucks, who I talked to for a total of..what? Five minutes? We eventually came to the topic of Lifetime fitness, and he told me he had a membership too! And we should work out together! Woopdee fucking doo. He told me he works out at 2:00 PM, which is a fucking hassle for me, and we should work out together, because he doesn't have a spot normally. I already have people I work out with regularly at night, and I can't just tell the dude, "Sorry bro, I mean, you're just an inconvenience". So he fucking texts me three days in a row until I ignore it long enough for him to shut the fuck up.

Dude probably still doesn't have a spot.

Does this make me an asshole? Maybe. Anti social? Fuck naw, I'm definitely social, I'm just simple.
And I like the people I've known for years.

Insomnia.

2009-05-08T04:17:00.000-07:00

Time doesn't matter, because it has no effect when you go to sleep.
The night sky doesn't matter, because when you sleep it's just day again.
You learn to never look at the stars or appreciate the peacefulness of the dark, because your mind flutters you with distractions.
It's lonely, the loneliest you can be. Everybody is asleep and nothing is alive, except for you. Everybody lays dwelling in another world.
Where dreams are reality and reality is just a dream.
I've lost the ability to control my body, and my eyelids have lost all of their weight.
They don't get the respect they deserve, and they can't put me to sleep anymore.
I'm awake yet I can't think perfectly straight, and I can't concentrate on anything completely.
Music becomes one long soundtrack fo my endless nights. They all blend into un memorable sonatas.
I can't appreciate music like I could before, because my brain doesn't comprehend anything.
I'll say it again; time loses its meaning. Time feels normal during the day, from 4:00 PM to 12:00 midnight.
When there are still things to do out there..
but as soon as it hits 1:30 AM, time all turns into a blur. One minute it's 2, next minute it's 5:00, and before I know it, it's 7:00 AM.
I write mindlessly without thought and I jot down whatever comes to my head, and I end up here.

At this roadblock of spiraling thoughts, without any means to justify the end.
I've been pulled over, and it's myself, asking myself,

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Sleep"

And I sleep.

Cinco de Mayo.

2009-05-05T18:01:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm about to go out and celebrate Cinco de Mayo in a few minutes, and it reminds me of a good point my friend brought up a few days ago.
As Americans, we'll drink to anything, won't we?
What do we give a fuck about a Mexican Holiday? We don't. It's just an excuse for us to get piss drunk and wasted.
St Patty's day?
Get fucked up.
New Years? Fucked up.
New Years is a bit more legit though.
You know, getting wasted and hooking up with somebody and not remembering it in the morning for the sake of celebrating the New Year.
Cheers my friends.

Happy Cinco De Mayo.
Who cares if it means anything.
Just drink.

Temptations and zero regrets all because of the past.

2009-05-05T03:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to lie. I'm getting pretty jacked.
I don't work out for personal benefit or for my health. No fucking way. I couldn't care less. I practically digest cigarettes.
I do it because girls like it. Shallow? Yessir.
You know what? If girls found me being a complete and total fat ass who's only physical work out was eating and playing video games all day long, I'd be that. If they found it mad hot that I was good at Super Smash Bros. Melee. I'd be that. Too bad they don't. Too bad.
I was a relatively adorable kid growing up until I hit puberty. That's when I morphed into a FUCKING MONSTER. Acne all up on my shit, on my face, back, balls, ass.
Gained weight a lot faster, plus the fact that I didn't know how to dress. I was a complete and total mess.
Who could blame me?
Throughout high school I was a social reject, and bam, at the end of senior year, chicks suddenly started to dig me.

Nice.

It's not like it mattered though, since I was socially inept from the lack of female contact. I hit the gym, it boosted my confidence, went overseas to a foreign country, did some things here and there, the woman made me a man, and suddenly I'm alright.

But it'd be totally cool if a cute chick found me sitting on my ass in my underwear playing games hot, though.
Totally.

But the point I'm trying to make is I see so many people trying to seem as if they're not also this way, but just nobody wants to admit the things they do.
I buy clothes because of image.
I prefer driving my Expedition rather than my fuel efficient car. Because it's more visually pleasing.
I never talk about the fact that I'm broke, and at a club, I'll be as fake as I can be.

And who fucking cares?
We're all guilty of this in some respect.
Some more extreme than others.
I don't know one person, I don't care how good they say they are, un shallow, unselfish, how Christian[hah] somebody says they are, they'll find ways to separate and distinguish themselves apart from the less socially accepted.

You think you don't? If you drive a shit car to help your parents in this economical crisis, if you don't give a fuck what your hair looks like, give a fucking about your make up, don't try to make your profile picture as good as you can make it, and honestly don't give a fuck, GOOD FOR YOU.
I APPLAUD YOU, and if you'd like, I'll give you a fucking slap on the ass, but I literally know nobody like that.

And it's alright. The way us humans work, you'd be way behind if you were like that.
Good job.

My hopes flew up to heaven, all the way down to hell.

2009-05-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

God dammit.
God God dammit.
Stupid Rednecks.

So I've been trying to get rid of that garbage that's called a Nintendo Wii through Craigslist.
All the responses have been computer-automated scam mails trying to make me send it off to foreign countries for travelers checks. Eff that.
For once though, I finally got a response that sparked my interest.

"Hey, I'll trade you my Ps3 with 2 remotes for your Wii. I don't really play it too much."
My response? Sure.
The response in my head? Holy SHIT yeah! Why the fuck not? I was looking for cash, but I can't go wrong with that sexy gaming/blue ray rig.

So the next email I get his number, and I call him setting up a time, for him to come to my house and let me test it, etc etc. He agrees and tells me he'll be at my house at around 6:00.

In my excitement, like the fucking retard that I am, I start telling people.
This ALWAYS happens. I could wait and keep it to myself and see where this goes. There is no reason to tell people.
I call a few friends, telling them that this guy is willfully bending over and totally letting me rape him and rip him off, telling one of my
friends to come over later and play it with me.

Dammit. Let me tell you one thing I've learned from so many countless life-rapes - If something seems to good to be true, it's most likely too good to be true.

Well, this is how it went down. I'm outside smoking a cigarette and I get a call from him saying, "I'm in your neighborhood man with my girlfriend, we'll be at your house anytime now." I just tell him that I'll be oustide waiting. So I chuck my half smoked cig and wait in my drive way. He pulls up in a big ass truck with his trashy looking girlfriend and comes out of his car with a curiously small looking box.
I'm thinking in my head, "No, no, no, no. That can't be a Ps3. I start like sizing this shit up in my head too, trying to make myself feel better. "Oh dude, it can fit in there, he probably has the cables in the back or something."
He proceeds to tell me, "Uh, I hope the slim model is okay, it's the one I got a while back."
I ask, Is that a Ps2 or a Ps3?
This is what he fucking tells me - "Oh, this is not a Ps3? I didn't know the difference." He fucking thought that they were the same damn THING! Fuck! He ends up apologizing for wasting my time, asks me how much I'm selling my Wii, tells me no thanks, and laeves.
I'm sitting there like an asshole, dumbfounded at what just happened.

How. can. somebody. not. know. the. difference?
I'm just saying, I'm glad he didn't have me drive out there. I would have been even MORE pissed off.
I'm wondering, did he know the difference, but he was trying to rip me off? Did he bend on the fact that I wouldn't know the difference too, and that he could run off with my Nintendo Wii?

What a tard.
What a shitty turn out.
At least it was good writing material.

The good, the bad, and the unwanted.

2009-04-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

With one life, comes a lot of faults, and complete bummers. Things don't always sway your way. You pissed yourself, your own parents hate you, your package is small, etc etc. Fortunately I haven't had TOO many faults, but here are a few future possibilities I don't hope to have. These are things I absolutely do not want in my life.

I hope I don't have spoiled children. No whiny shits that complain too much. Solution : Imma beat my kids. Make sure they're scared of daddy.

I hope I don't have homosexual children. No cocksuckers in my family. 'less they're female. No eating out. 'less they're male.

I hope I never get Alzheimer's Disease. I've seen and read and..strangely enough went into great detail studying this disease one quiet night and It scares me, to completely lose my memory. I experienced severe short term memory loss when I got deep into my Accutane medication, and it was not only frustrating, but scary when I would be doing something and completely stop, lost and baffled, mind blank, unsure of what to do next.

I hope I don't have to live some where unfavorable to me. I moved to the city of Chicago for this chick a few months back, and I learned to hate the entirety of that city with all of my heart. The weather sucked, the people were literal smelly assholes. Like, they didn't have faces. Just an unwiped asshole that spewed out bullshit. A lot of flamers everywhere, liberal college students with their high horse pompous swagger.
Fuck that place.

I hope I don't go bald or get fat. Both suck ass individually, but together, that's a sick combo.

I hope I don't not see a girl I once knew in a porno. Yeahhh, I know, that's basically something I want, but I hope I don't get the misfortune of that happening to me. That would make that porno so much hotter. +10 hot points if she was quiet/I would have never expected it. +10 more hot points if it was a hidden cam and she didn't know about it and the dude cock slapped her and came on her face. +10 MORE hot points if it was a hidden cam and it was questionable whether it was rape or not.

I hope I never get testicular cancer, aids, or herpes. I don't want my shit tainted.

I hope I don't drive a shitty fucking car for the rest of my life. I better know what it feels like to be an asshole flaunting his car to everybody like an asshole waving his dick around. I've never gotten that feeling. I've never gotten the chance to fucking ruin the whole exterior and body of my nice car with a cheap body kit like Mexis or Viets . I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

I hope I never end up in bed with a tranny.

I hope I never die.

I hope god doesn't exist. Or I'm going to hell.

Food

2009-04-28T03:18:00.000-07:00

I love food.
All I really do is eat food.
I should be a fat ass, and I would be if I didn't hit up the gym as much as I do.
Though I AM gaining body fat.
I can see it in my gut and around my neck area...but it's not so bad yet.
Yet.

Obese people are nasty, and before I eat everything that I eat, I try to convince myself not to put that in my mouth. I try to guilty myself out of it, but eating is the most delicious guilt. Stick chocolate in front of me and I will eat it. Any cereal you can name, I will eat it. Any vegetable, any fruit. Any delicious red meat, from medium to well done, I don't give a fuck.
Give me the nastiest waffle house, the nastiest steak and shake, everything on the menu from Mickey D's to Burger King, and I will eat it.
I haven't eaten from those places in forever though, because I try my best to avoid them.

From Italian and Greek, to Indian and Japanese, American Chinese, or American Mexican, tex mex, you name it. Chipotle or Qdoba, I don't give a fuck. Subway, Quiznos, or Jimmy Jones, stick those fat subs down my throat. Dirty style.

I'll drink any fucking beverage, no matter how bad it is for me. Coka Cola, Sprite, Canada Dry, that cheap shit from Kroger, energy drinks, red bull, Monster, fuck it, if it will keep me up, all the better. More time for me to eat. I like the good drinks too though..Apple Juice, Cider, OJ, Milk. Doesn't matter. Kids shit too. Hi-C, Kool Aid, Capri Sun.

Give me a god damn Lunchables, I'll devour that shit.

Keep snacks and candies away from me. I'll devour those, I don't even fucking care. Gummy Bears, Twistlers, Snickers, Kit Kats, fuck it. If kids like it, I like it. Gummy Vitamins or flavored Kid vitamins? I'll take it.
My stomach always hurts from being full, and trips to the bathroom are never pleasant. I eat whatever is in my house. Typically I'll grab a whole can of tuna and make like three of four tuna sandwiches. Eat that shit down with Orange Juice. Grab a banana and an apple, take them both down. Grab a bowl of cereal, more recently, Captain Crunch, and devour it. Turkey Sandwiches, Ham Sanwiches, Oreos, Popcorn, I don't give a fuck. If it 's bad for me..I know. I hate them. I don't like knowing I'm killing myself, making me unhealthy, but it's too good.

Eating till I'm content is better than sex. And I've had some pretty good sex.
Fuck it, the older I get, the more fat I'm going to get.
I'm going to be a fat ass when I'm old...and I'm A-OK with that.
I'm also going to smoke a lot of cigarettes and drink a fuck ton when I'm old.
Sounds like my old age is going to kick ass.

I'm really sick, I keep hearing about the Swine Flu, so I might as well write a will!

2009-04-26T16:16:00.001-07:00

I actually have always thought it'd be fun to write a will. It seems like a negative thing to write about to most, but I think it's kind of cool. Handing out the things you cherish to people you cherish at the end of your life. I mean, who knows when I might pass away? If I wrote a will, I would give away all of the weird shit I own to all of the people who I feel would most likely deserve it. To be honest, I don't have too many..things of actual usefulness. So it's kind of a meager will.

My Ford Expedition would of course go to my little brother. He needs a car. Bad.
My Nintendo DS R4 would of course go to Ryan Imm. I mean, I've been nagging him to buy one forever now. I'd also give him back his Nike's, and he could have my basketball I bought in Chi-town.
My old 80's Television set and my old NES/SNES/PS1 games would go to Sean Murphy. Also: I'll throw in that lame Wall scroll that is on my wall
behind my computer.
My computer and my clothing would go to Kaveh. He dresses well, but with my assets, who knows!
I'd give my Nike Dunks to Scott Imm, just because I think that shit would fit him more than anybody else I know.
I'd give my Wii & My cell phone to Daniel Park. He needs a little more bright in his life.
I'd give my old Silvertone Amplifier and my studio stuff to Thomas. He'd actually use them.
My Elite Vintage Fender Stratocaster would go straight back to my father!
I'd throw my Demonoid Torrent account to Bradford, I think he'd use that well.
Steam account/Gaia account to Kaveh.
WoW Account/RO Items to my little bro.
Rag box to D.E.

I JUST realized I've yet to name one girl.
I think it's because I've never been good to girls long enough to develop at least a good friendship.
Always date, mess around, then stop talking.
As Jay Z says..
"You know I thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em
Cause I don't fuckin' need 'em "

But yeah..that's pretty much most of my shit. Not much.

Changing personality traits

2009-04-22T00:36:00.000-07:00

Is it even possible to train yourself or change yourself to the point where you completely disregard and put out a personality trait that comes so natural to you? I've been watching myself, talking to myself in my head whenever it comes out or feels like it will, and I've been keeping that shit bottled up, but will I ever be able to extinguish it completely?

I'm talking about my quick anger problems. Those violent ones that make me scary. I don't know how to put it into words how it goes down in my own head. Anything could trigger it. When somebody says something I'm insecure about, or when somebody starts mouthing off, or if somebody makes a small degrading side comment, it will suddenly ignite it.

I completely lose control in my head. It's like this rush of anger and adrenaline that puts me in a state of DTF.
Down to fuck. Shit up. DTFSU.
I can go from loving to hating anybody, my family, my brother, my close friends, complete strangers. I yell, I pick fights, I talk shit, I get it all out.

Some guy started mouthing off at us outside Mike's, and I lost it.
Some little bitch ass kid at the gym made a small side comment, so I called him out, he mocked it a little. Next thing I know, driven by rage and adrenaline, I full body slammed him from his back and sent him flying forward on the basketball court. I would have thrown fists if he hadn't backed down. My own friend fucked around with me about my driving, and I freaked a shit.

It's not only that either. I get these strange things in my head, strange feelings, where I feel somebody, no, everybody is against me. The way somebody looks at me, the way somebody talks to me, I get these little signals. If I even feel a little hostility in a signal, I freak a shit.

Scenario:
If I'm playing basketball, and I miss a shot, and some kid breathes loudly in annoyance, or says something like "Stop rushing it" or "Don't take those shots", even if they don't mean complete hostility, that kid is on my radar. One fucking comment is all it takes. And I'm down his throat.
Scenario:
Somebody eyes me in a way I don't like while we're waiting outside for a club or something, I'm eyeing him back, and not just eyeing him, giving him cold stares. One comment is all it takes. And I'm down his throat.
Scenario:
Somebody talks shit to a friend of mine? Even if the friend doesn't want to push the aggression, I'm yelling at the other dude, making everything worse for everybody.

I'm thinking this beyond the simple fact that I have potential anger issues. I'm thinking back through my life. I know I didn't have these problems as a little kid. In middle school, I was scared. Throughout most of High School, I was scared. Just something triggered one day, and I'm a full blown bomb. I'm not sure it's quite like that though. I can control that shit sometimes, not get angry or get an attitude.

Is it possible to change it?
I'm not quite entirely sure. I sure as hell know though.. If one of my friends has a problem..I'll solve that shit.

Money without money

2009-03-31T03:40:00.000-07:00

We're physically living through an economic crisis. No what-if's, no exaggeration. The economy is drastically falling into a state of decline. Everybody I know is suffering from the recession, and it scares me. It scares me because I could potentially lose my home. It scares me because I can hardly pay for my education. It scares me because I don't know how I'm going to relate to the neo-economic depression and grow myself into the monetary world without faltering and losing footing in a potential successful future.
It might not affect the better and upper middle class Johns Creek area with a comfortable pile of money to lay on, but it harshly affects the middle class.

The sad thing is..this all comes from the heavy dependency on loans, using money we don't have, dependency on credit, and money irresponsibility. So many loans were taken out during the stable US economy in the 90's and early 2000's, but as people were losing jobs, as people were falling higher and higher in debt, people began to be unable to pay back debt. Bankruptcy, companies going out of business, and loss of homes and jobs.
And that $10,000 loan that was taken out? All of that money has disappeared into nothing.
People unable to pay back.

Do you know what's beautiful though?
As my family struggles, as my father's business fails, as I get no phone calls from jobs, as my mother pours more hours into over time..right at this hour, I still hear the birds chirping and singing without a care in the world. Sounds so beautiful, they seem so happy. And as I sit here at 6:47 AM, still awake, I see the sun rising and the night turn so gently into day, shine by shine. My family is sleeping peacefully in their own rooms, and to their respect they get a little peace in mind as they sleep without worry. This world can be cruel sometimes.

Let's hope for change.

The concept of Heaven and Hell.

2009-03-29T02:34:00.000-07:00

I've always found the concept of Heaven and Hell childishly silly. Completely ignoring circumstances, scenarios, situations, your social positioning by birth, and economic stress..nay, completely ignoring the versatility of life in itself, let's JUST SAY that if you do right, you go to heaven(Tee hee hee, lovely Heaven), or if you do wrong, you BURN IN ETERNAL FUCKING SUFFERING AMONGST THE FIRE AND ASH.

Very poetic might I add.
All of it.

You know, naked baby angels. Big fucking gate. Your life story being read out to you at the gate when decision time comes.."You did this and that. You put cottage cheese on your what, and fed it to your dog." You know. All the juicy details. Infernal cliffs of hell, devils with pitchforks dancing around, Satan in his grand Baphomet-like-self, scythe and all.

Just completely believable. In this day and age.
Where people should have developed rationality.

BUT COMPLETELY IGNORING ALL OF THIS.
SAYING THAT if you do wrong you go to hell..and if you do right, you fucking float around and enjoy suckin on popsicles with your homie God and his song J.C up in the 'ol cloudy hood, it'd be interesting to wonder what it would be like.

I mean, do you go up there and get whatever you like and live in eternal bliss? Do you mingle amongst the other do-gooders? I wonder if our basic and natural human tendencies are stripped from us? Our sexual desires, our lost, our love? Do the beautiful do-gooder ladies suddenly lose the concept of..physical attraction and want the local mentally disabled cripple to bone her to no end?

And what else? Do we keep our looks from when we die, or do we go back to the point where we wanted? How exactly much freedom do we get up there? Are we all just wrinkly disabled fucks with back pains playing bingo together up there? Are we supposed to be envious of the dude who got in a car crash at age 19? Does he get all the ladies?

And shouldn't it be crowded as SHIT up there? I mean, not saying God, in all of his lovely glory and bliss, no diss to him, can't find the accomodations and the money to pay for air space and shit, but man, real estate must be skyrocketin up there. It must be worse than Hong Kong up there?

And what about babies? Who haven't done anything right and wrong? Do they just float around in baby heaven shitting everywhere? Do they have some sort of air space for babies to float around and shit and cry?

Our favorite people during our life. What about them? What if you were a good guy. And she was a nice girl..but since you were a nice guy, you ignored the fact that she had buck teeth, breathed really loud, and talked about cottage cheese and Will and Grace a lot, so you never told her off? But like, she was madly and crazily in love with you, but you just kept it at a friendship. In her heaven, does she get you for FUCKING ETERNITY? Or do you get freedom from her because you were a good guy? No matter how you look at it, one of you are fucked.

This so called heaven must be a complicated place. God's got a hell of a hotel to run, with no profit.

And Hell?

Jesus christ, that place has to be even MORE packed. What the fuck is keeping the enormous fire fields going?
I don't even want to get into that.

No matter how you look at it though...

It's some bullshit.

Viva la relgious fanatics.
Let them believe it all.
Let them.

So let's just say fuck it, since we'll all be dead anyways.

2009-03-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

Cigarettes burning my throat, giving me my eventual Lung Cancer. The smell lingering everywhere I go. Scratching my nose never smelled so fucking bad. Unless..heh.

Alcohol bringing me to the other side, where I stumble, and laugh, and only get worse. It goes from happy, to hysterical, to the peak, and finally down a spiraling, memory lacking, black hole. Wake up, head killing.

Flirt as much as I can, for any girl is suitable for this gentlemen. Well, certainly not any girl. Any attractive, white, immature, 18 year old high school girl, who likes to drink more than she can handle for the sake of feeling and looking like her big Sorority sister who likes to get gang banged by the local Frat boys. Basically, any girl who will bend down and touch her toes for basically a loser who is mildly attractive.

Paying everything using non-existent money that I can pull out of a hat like a magic trick. Except I'm pulling it out of a plastic card. Credit, credit, credit, but no job. The slowest and most fulfilling way to virtually kill yourself. Spend yourself dead, so you end up as a blue collar worker the rest of your life...paying off your never-ending stack debt..that you spent on..Chipotle and drunken waffle house trips at night.
- Chipotle - $7
- Waffle house - $5
- Smoothie King - $5
- Cigarettes x 6 = $24
- McDonald's in the middle of the night - $5
- Restaurant with friends - $14
- Gas - $25
- Booze - $20

It's not even half of..how many times I've used it to buy food.
But you get the picture. $105 of money I don't have. Of a job I don't have.

Pornography. My daily fix. Beautiful virtual girls that I couldn't dream of having for myself, are there, performing for me. Fuck the ignorant who think pornography is disgusting. Without pornography, there would be a hell of a lot more rape victims..woman wouldn't be quite as safe. Open your mind, it's a release. Woman aren't like us. They don't have the same instinct. Ever watch a male dog just chump on the pussy wagon when it sees a female dog? No argument, no passion, just fucking. We have the SAME fucking fire in us. Except we'll go to jail.
Call us the world's sexual gentlemen.
It's class, ladies.

Working out a gym full of assholes admiring their own bodies, That was my mentality, until I began to admire my own body. Now I see it's beauty. It's a big race. I'm racing everybody from the ages 18 to the age of 24 to be the biggest asshole meat head. I hope I can win. Since I'm beginning to get big. Not doing my music much anymore. Not writing much anymore. Never drawing anymore.

Taking big, beautiful shits, like every beautiful human being and animal on this planet. Nothing can live up to the satisfaction that you get when you release life's daily bread onto the Lake of the gods. e.g - Also a way to get through the Harry Potter books. I love shitting, and I love the fact that the most prissy, cute, beautiful, and feminine woman out there still blow shit chunks of diarrhea, probably more often than me. I bet it smells worse too.

I'm done.

My last day there.

2009-03-26T03:24:00.000-07:00

I knew it was a bad idea to leave, but I was under the idea of lust and love, and it blinded me from certain reality. As I spent my last day there, upset at everyone and everything, I realized how sad I was going to be as soon as I left. I remember the last few early morning hours there like it was some distant nightmare from long ago. The family I was staying with, being upset at me, and I at them. They..didn't really want me to leave, so I tried to get them to hate me because I felt bad..and kind of succeeded. The most cruel and disrespectful thing you can do to people who showed love and hospitality and fed and gave me a place to sleep. One of my biggest life regrets. I remember that night though..I went out at around 2:00 AM to a 김밥집(Kim Bab Jeeb..little mini restaurants that are 24/7), to eat..I spoke Korean to the old lady there, and she was really impressed and taken aback..a feeling I did not realize I'd miss so much after I left. A few late night kids and weirdos also stared at me. That kind of attention I also later realized I'd miss. I ate in sadness that I was leaving a place I accustomed myself to so comfortably. I later regretted so much getting on that plane so much earlier and moving in with that girl. Stupid stupid mistake. That night though..I just walked a lot, got a little teary..tried to keep and burn in my mind all the familiar places I remembered, all of the memories I'd gathered, all of the people staring at me, the girls smiling at me, waving at me, the ahjusshi and Ahjumma trying to get me to teach their kids English. I can still map out that fucking city if I wanted to. I never forgot it. To me, being there was happines, a new social beginning, romance, free will, self preservation, and a new love for life. Not that last day though. It was..sort of the end of the chapter of my life where I felt like I was moving forward. Ever since then I've done nothing with my life. I have moved in no absolute step.

Oh man. That night.

A friend with bad luck.

2009-03-23T01:42:00.001-07:00

I have a friend with bad luck.

One time we decided to try and play World of Warcraft, so he bought it at best buy.
When he opened it up, there was no CD Key.

Fantasy Basketball.
Three to four players get injured.
He drops a player, that players gets injured.
He drops another player, that player gets injured.
He somehow manages to still find a decent player to pick up.
The player gets injured the day after.

Drinking game with cards.
Loser has to drink.
He always loses.
There are three different drinks.
A shot of Bacardi 151.
A glass full of Beer.
A glass full of Coca Cola.
The chances of getting 151 over and over are quite low.
He always lost and always had to drink the 151.

Mario party, all of the penalties were on him.

It's funny, but his heart is there, and it doesn't seem to get him down.

What a good day.

2009-03-21T18:56:00.001-07:00

Old faces always have the ups over new ones. This weekend was been good to me. I spent my Friday night in Downtown seeing people I haven't gotten to spend too much time with in a long time, and it was nothing but a good chill session. Nothing like talking with people who always have something to say.

Following that, off to an old friend's house who crammed nostalgia in to one big house for me. Seeing some of these people just screamed high school into my brain. Friends I had classes with, people who I had no idea what they've been doing with their lives until now, and it was nice and..relaxing. Old jokes, conversations, and catching up. It's funny. Some people haven't changed a bit, but some are completely the opposite.

And today.
Kaveh and I visited our old manager, Kelly, since she is getting married soon, and it was hilarious. She told us everything that's been going on in our lives, and we just talked about all of the people, all of the things to used to happen, and everything about my old job at Nirvana.

It makes me think that in my life, some memories are worth it to keep. Here is to making new memories, and trying to keep older friends.

A lot better than fucking around with a bunch of kids.

I was thinking about it.

2009-03-17T03:06:00.000-07:00

In a show, I watched a scene where a woman gave child birth.
As I watched her push with all her might, I thought about it.
Do woman ever poop while giving child birth?

After extensive research I found my answer.
Yes they do.

Things to do.

2009-02-23T11:52:00.000-08:00

My room is more messy than it has ever been in my entire life.
My floor is completely gone.
I have no money and I maxed a credit card.
With no money to pay it back.
I haven't registered for classes because of an accidental academic hold.
Stupid stupid GPC computer systems.

I work out and go up in weight but I won't get bigger.
I take protein and eat alright. Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Gotta fit that cardio in somewhere.
I had to stop taking creatine too.
It killed my sex drive.
Gay gay gay.

My check engine lit turned on.
Then my break light turned on.

I have to apply for jobs.
cause money = solutions.
Solutions = no more problems.
No more problems = win.

little problems, Big Problems.

2009-02-21T11:27:00.000-08:00

I really realize how utterly minuscule my problems really are when faced when a bigger problem or compared to other larger scale problems. Something really strange and fucked up happened to me yesterday that completely ruined my pride, but as soon as something good happened, I completely forgot about that problem. Further into that, my mind harassed me once more of the former problem, but was completely drowned out
by the realization that I lost my only key to my car in a golf course that my friends and I broke into. I was so miserable, so completely disappointed in myself, and finding my keys would fix any, any, ANY problem that could possibly manifest itself.

I found my keys, sitting in my warm room.

Suddenly all of my problems were washed away. I stopped caring in the small details, because this is life.
I'm allowed to fuck up.
As many times as I want.
And I will abuse that liberty if I must.

As long as I'm not dead.
Because a lot of people die. A lot.

2009-02-20T10:04:00.001-08:00

I find myself constantly harassed with potential.
I have potential for so many things, but when it comes down to it, I never have the will.
Will I always be that way until I'm an old man?
Isn't this the time of age where I should be changed already?
Where I have my shit straight, where I'm not debating things, planning things, contemplating glorious
scenarios of wealth and success?

I wonder if I'll be that guy always telling people "What if" or "I should've".
I don't want to be that old man.
I want to fix what my father did.
He's that man that lives in regret.
And now he's struggling to make ends meet.

I'm not going to sit here and type all of the things that I'm going to start doing differently,
like some people do. They get the fucking temporary fire and suddenly write all of the things
they want to do, with their chest heaved out, and their will so strong.
Then they pull up a porn, jerk it, and go about their usual day never changing anything.
Which I know will be me. Cause yeah.

So instead, I'm going to say, I hope I can gradually change.
A totally subtle, unconscious change where I slowly but surely start doing the
things that will definitely aid my future.

Slowly but surely just take care of my priorities.

Premonition

2009-02-16T23:17:00.001-08:00

Premonition..

On a fairly normal night, as I was accustomed to only hearing the faint noise far away of police sirens amongst the
crickets in the downtown Chicago night, something was out of place. The sirens went from running 5 minutes to ten minutes to never ending.
I felt as though something was wrong.
I sat there awake listening to them, endlessly, unable to sleep. I sat up and they went just ran louder and louder.
It was no longer faint anymore. I began feeling something was really wrong.
I got up and walked to the window as soon as I got to the window, the loud police sirens completely stopped.
Total silence. My mind must have been playing with me. I didn't understand but I was sure it was over.
I went back to lay down pleased and completely ready to sleep.
As soon as I went back to bed savoring the silence, the sound slowly and faintly returned like a long eerie noise.
Unlike before though, the feeling that accompanied the noise was complete fear.
I could not shake the police siren or the fear.
I was suddenly afraid of the world, the people, the night, the fragility of life in itself.
Something was not right.
I went to the front door and there it was. Both bolts were completely unlocked.
I locked them and moved to the very-vulnerable-to-the-world back door.
Unlocked.
We forgot to lock our entire house.
We were completely vulnerable to the world, who's nature is danger.
I went back to lay down in my bed to sleep.
Silence.

People need people

2009-02-10T00:18:00.001-08:00

I think people as a whole will do anything to never feel alone.
When somebody finds comfort in somebody else, even if one and one don't make two, they will stay with each other.
I've seen it a million times and it baffles me why we do this.
It's a whole world of hopeless romantics.
Day dreaming the perfect love story.
As soon as someone finds somebody they feel compatible with, all common sense goes down the drain.
Faults that are normally bothersome are ignored.
Small details of physical un-attraction are ignored.
The skeptical past is ignored.

It repeats like a record.
Incompatibility is twisted and distorted to look like compatibility.
The smallest similarities are used as a defense so that one can say, "We really are perfect for one another."

Age and intelligence factor it. The younger the faster one can fall into love.
Fortunately, as people grow older, they fix it and see through it.
Not quite all individuals though.
The stupid repeat the same stupid mistakes.

No matter how I look at it though, I'm part of this trend.
Everybody is.
We always will be as long as we are human.

Nobody wants to be alone.

Concepts of purgatory

2009-02-09T13:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't want to get up from bed because I don't know how to start my day.
Sometimes I feel like my current state of life is virtually life's purgatory.
I'm not enjoying or disliking my life. I'm not feeling confident or unconfident. I'm not in school, but I'm enrolled. Financial problems are a bust.
I have a job but I don't get enough hours. I have a lot of friends,
but I don't see the half of them anymore. I have a lot of music, but none of it is done.
I have ideas, but no way to initiate them.

Like a genius without his tools.

Things I want to happen before I pass on.

2009-02-08T04:40:00.000-08:00

I'm not necessarily looking forward to what I believe to be nothing after life. You know, death.. BUT I'm sure if I can just get to accomplishing a few simple pre-requisites, I'll be content.

- Take my family out to a nice dinner. They deserve at least that for birthing and raising two difficult children.

- Fix up an old American muscle car. 70's mustangs are absolutely classy, powerful, and beautiful.

- Just drive wherever and end up where I end up. Just in a gas friendly car, with a luggage of any necessary shit I need, some bottle water, $3000 in cash, and a camera. Just to really see the states for what it is.

- Attend a parade. I've always seen them on cartoons and movies. Big inflated cartoon characters, people on giant cars waving to the crowd, and confetti everywhere.

- Write a real love song for somebody who matters. Cheesy, yes. Fuck you. I've never gotten a real kick out of a girl yet.

- Learn at least four languages fluently. Not including English. I've already gotten down conversational Korean, very respectable spanish(due to my spanish-ass parents), and I've dabbled in a few, but I want to be able to really throw that shit down.

- Have room mates. People I really can just chill at home with, laughing about stupid internet videos with, playing games, and arguing. Some real brotherly tension.

- Perform a stand up comedy. Amongst my friends I can just go on for hours with ridiculous and off the wall shit. I write it down sometimes, but it's a little scarier when it's pre-planned. I'll do it.

- Write a childrens novel. Drawing the pictures and the story. Something that has meaning, without being cheesy, but something I'd read to my kids. Dr.Seuss quality bizarreness and creativity.

- Become a father. Cause I think I believe could raise somebody worth something.

- Win something. Anything.

- Get over my fear of roaches. I call for my mother to kill them when I see them. I don't even care, I'm so afraid of them. I don't know how to get over it.

Come on life, let's get the shit stirring.